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Figure Four Weekly 8/14/2017: PROGRESS comes to Boston

PROGRESS comes to Boston

by Joseph Currier (@josephcurrier)

On the second stop of their weekend in the United States, British promotion PROGRESS Wrestling presented an intimate show in the Boston area on Sunday night.

Things didn't go quite as planned up to that point. It started when PROGRESS and WWE United Kingdom Champion Pete Dunne couldn't wrestle on either show after being busted open in an indie match on Friday. Then, TK Cooper suffered an ankle injury in New York and the excessive heat in the crowded venue marred what otherwise appeared to be a fun show.

To top it off, they had trouble getting to Boston from New York and got in later than expected on Sunday.

But, if you didn't already know about those problems going in, they weren't apparent in Boston. Everyone worked incredibly hard to deliver an experience that was as authentic as possible in their debut in a new city.

The matches themselves were strong. Matt Riddle and Martin Stone had a great sprint. Dakota Kai won a really good triple threat match against Deonna Purrazzo and Jinny. And British Strong Style ended things by retaining in a worthy main event against Timothy Thatcher and WALTER.

Those matches (along with others) provided the backbone of the night, but my biggest takeaway was how the fans reacted to an independent promotion from an entirely different continent.

Sure, it may have only been 300 hardcore fans who bought tickets as soon as they went on sale, but it was surreal to be in a crowd that was booing Zack Gibson almost as loudly as audiences in the UK. Jinny also got great heat from the moment she made her entrance. And though they never fully turned the crowd against them, Tyler Bate and Trent Seven's heel antics got over big, including a younger fan at ringside getting into a confrontation with Seven.

The Saturday event in New York reached an even wider audience and the crowd seemed just as knowledgeable, with reports of the attendance being between 1,000-1,500 people.

Pro wrestling is more global than it's ever been. There have always been things like newsletters, magazines, and tape trading to bridge the information gap, but it's a special time when such a high percentage of matches are taped and easily accessible.

Streaming services like the one PROGRESS has allows their shows to reach a worldwide audience. Just as importantly, they allow their wrestlers to be seen and become stars. The indie scene in the UK is thriving, and PROGRESS is only one example of that. It's easier than it's been in a long time to make a living in pro wrestling outside of the main companies.

Like any promotion, PROGRESS has its faults. Their working relationship with WWE provides a huge advantage, but they're still an important part of a great time for indie wrestling. That they can debut in front of enthusiastic crowds in new cities that are an ocean across from their home base helps show how good of a time that is.

Mexico Notes

by Dr. Lucha Steve Sims (@DrLuchaJr)

Triplemania XXV is here. This week, we have a review of the entire card except the main event. Next week, it'll be the main event, how it fits into the style of wresting of its time and compared to the past, and the importance of the card in the big ($) picture, both at the gate and on TV.

Based on the published poster (which oddly has the date and place on it but not the time) and announcements, these are the matches slated to run, and this would be the one card that I would expect the matches listed on the card to actually happen – though with AAA, it has ever been the case that the order of the matches is fungible.

The stated opener (inicial) will be a match of the winners of the "La Llave a Gloria" (The Key to Glory, though the phrase is actually a pun, as llave is the standard term for a wrestling hold). The winners are being announced after the press time of this issue. Based on the tryouts, there are certainly several exciting candidates, some fairly well-known to hardcore fans for their work in the Mexican indies. Actually, so many candidates looked at least decent that is reasonable to assume that the ones chosen for this match will be full of promise, original and spectacular with their lucha moves, but likely a bit nervous wrestling in front of 15,000+ people. They will be given lots of benefits of the doubt and can be expected to have an entertaining bout.

The second (segunda) of the eight listed bouts is the standard man/woman/mini/exotico match – this time, tecnicos Mascara de Bronce, Big Mami, Dinastia, and La Estrella Divina will face rudos Hernandez, La Hiedra, The Mini Psycho Clown, and Mamba. Just there for the tradition. A waste of Dinastia, a waste promotionally of Mascara de Bronce who is supposed to be (seriously) in the AAA Triple Crown title picture, not a great use of Hernandez, and well, it's a match. Often on a giant show like this, the tecnicos go over at a far greater % than the rest of the year, so let's assume the get the decision here.

The third (tercera) has The Sexy Star defending the Reina de Reinas Title against Lady Shani. No need to rehash my Sexy Star thoughts further. She's going over here, I'd be stunned if they brought her back with all the shenanigans and back-stabbing that took just to have her do a job on the biggest stage. I'm not hopeful for much of a match either.

The AAA World Tag-Team Championships are on the line in match four (cuarta), as current champions The Dark Family (Dark Escoria and Dark Cuervo) face off against three times of rivals: Aerostar and Drago, The Psycho Circus (Monsther Clown and Murder Clown), and a team-to-be-named from GFW. For more than one reason, I expect Aerostar and Drago to win here, to the delight of the crowd, and I am anticipating that on this stage that there will be some amazing moves and dives, quite possibly the dives of the night.

The fifth match (quinta) will be the match to get a match for everyone on the roster not already booked in a feud or title match. 30 men are slated to wrestle for La Copa Triplemania, and it is widely expected to range from long-time veterans such as La Parka, Pirata Morgan, and Sangre Chicana (who 40 years ago was in the EMLL Anniversary show main event) to the standard AAA undercard guys like Ricky Marvin, Bengala, and Argenis (yes, winner of the Rey de Reyes sword is still an undercard guy), to who knows who among foreigners (Lashley and Moose), independents, and maybe a surprise or two. The poster itself emphasizes luchadores from the past as the draw for this match. Maybe Canek will be there. Maybe Mil. Um, no, not Mil. Not knowing all the participants means no prediction on a winner, but I do predict the bout will probably not be a candidate for match of the year – or night – to put it mildly.

An actual feud match is up next as the sixth bout (especial) as the now-babyface Pagano faces El Mesias. The danger to me here is that what they do in this match, brawling, blood, and foreign objects, will be so similar to the tactics the main event wrestlers will use, that this match risks hurting the crowd reactions to the main event. Pagano can only do what Pagano can do, so even Mil Muertes would have trouble running a match that will drain the crowd a bit. Since this is not the blow-off match to the feud, I'd expect Mesias to go over here.

Finally for this week, it's the semifinal, match seven, for the AAA Triple Crown of men's singles' championships. Champion Johnny Mundo faces both El Texano junior and El Hijo de Fantasma. It would appear from many sources that Mundo's main interest is in keeping in good graces for a season four of Lucha:Underground. It sure appears as if he's being groomed here for a match with Vampiro not too far down the road. I suspect Vampiro costs him his titles here, and either opponent's winning would be fine in the big picture. Texano's been a bigger factor in AAA than Fantasma to date, so I suppose he would be the slight favorite if Vampiro needed to cost Mundo his titles, but really now would be a good time for Fantasma.

Next week, the main event and the overall importance of this show to AAA.

Europe Notes

by Oliver Court (@AnotherOli)

PROGRESS took off for the US this week, with two shows in New York and Boston being well received by a brand new audience, though not without several hiccups along the way. The most major news items coming out of the shows were TK Cooper and Pete Dunne's injuries. For Cooper, a dislocated ankle, occurring just a couple of weeks after he made his return to the UK and PROGRESS. It's a very similar injury to what Dahlia Black suffered earlier in the year, and it's likely to put him out of BOLA at the end of the month, which is a great shame. Cooper and Black have been very unfortunate with these injuries just as the act is becoming one of the hottest on the international indie scene, yet they've still retained their buzz throughout it and Cooper will still be in demand when he returns.

Dunne's injury occurred the night before the New York show during a match with Darius Carter, where Carter reportedly busted Dunne open hardway on a belt shot/Pedigree. This kept Dunne off the PROGRESS shows and lost the promotion one of their main events in Dunne vs Jack Gallagher for the WWE UK title. Let's put it this way: if you want to get booked, either in the UK or in many other places internationally, getting on the wrong side of Pete Dunne is probably not the way to go about it.

Speaking of 'hottest on the indies', the New York venue PROGRESS ran was reportedly scorching, with fans passing out and a scarcity of water. With 1500 fans in a building that could probably only hold half that number seated, PROGRESS may well have oversold the venue, making a sub-optimal viewing experience for sweat-drenched fans. Ultimately though, the shows have received a very positive response from those in attendance despite the heat, so the PROGRESS team's weekend, filled with injuries, transport not showing up, and crowd heat of the wrong kind, was likely justified in the end by very strong shows. The US weekend will be up on Demand Progress in due course, as PROGRESS take a little bit of a breather in their schedule after a very busy July and August.

Japan Notes

by Alan Counihan (@Alan4L)

As the 2013 G1 Climax came to a close, Tetsuya Naito stood in the ring – prizes in hand, firmly established as the number one contender on the road to the Tokyo Dome. The next four months of his career were a disaster. He lost all momentum during the build to his title shot, and the fans voted the Intercontinental Title match between Hiroshi Tanahashi and Shinsuke Nakamura as the main event for January 4th 2014. He ended up having a great match in a losing effort to Kazuchika Okada but it was way too little way too late. From there Naito's career spiralled downwards.

The blame for this can be put on the feet of the New Japan bookers as the only time during the current era that they've dropped the ball in a major way. It can be put on Naito himsef as some fans and even a senior wrestler like Tanahashi have done. Tana declared that Naito didn't carry himself like a champion when he won the G1 and even pointed to his signature pose of that time which involved him covering his face with his hand as a sign that he wasn't ready to be at the forefront of the company. Wherever the blame is to be placed is irrelevant right now because as we stand here four years later, Tetsuya Naito has a chance to make it all right.

This past Sunday, Naito stood with the same G1 flag and the same G1 trophy, a different man. He was not hiding his face from the audience. Far from it – he held them in the palm of his hand. He received a hugely symbolic fist bump from "Mr. August" Masahiro Chono, not because Chono was blessing him with it but instead because Naito commanded it and the legend simply could not refuse. Naito's road to the Dome this year will be entirely different to what he went through four years ago. This will be a success. He's going to ensure that it is.

The G1 tournament itself was of course a major success also. Being hailed as the single greatest in wrestling history, it featured a closing weekend that churned out three Match Of The Year candidates in Naito vs. Tanahashi, Okada vs. Kenny Omega and the final between Naito and Omega. This will go down in the annals as a true golden period for New Japan Pro Wrestling, and rightly so. If you're not on board, you're missing out.

TV Reviews

by Bryan's Friend Vince (@FO_VVerhei)

Retro NWA (7/18/87)

Show opened with clips of Lex Luger vs. Nikita Koloff & his neckbrace in a steel cage.

They congratulated Steve Williams on defeating Big Bubba for the UWF world title, then said Ric Flair had beaten Jimmy Garvin and won a dream date with Precious. They added that Luger had beaten Nikita for the US title in that cage match.

Ron Simmons vs. Gladiator #1. Gladiator was perfectly round and covered head-to-toe in blue, like a blueberry. He was the funniest rope-runner I've ever seen. Like, he was clearly trained, he just had the abosolute minimum of athletic ability you can have and still function as a pro wrestler. Ron beat him up and won with the diving shoulderblock. Ron then cut a promo, totally blown up. He thanked the fans for their support, congratulated Dr. Death on his championship win, and told the folks in Dallas and Louisiana he'd be back soon.

Mod Squad vs. Alan Martin & Eric Long. A short squash. Mod Squad won with a top rope elbow.

JJ Dillon and THE WAR MACHINE cut a promo. Actually, I think this is just a replay of the one they aired last week, with Big Bubba under a mask and randomly scratching his gut.

They joined the Luger-Koloff match in progress, with Luger holding him down in a chinlock. Nikita hit a flurry of offense, but Lex cut him off with a neckbreaker and tore the neckbrace off. He put Nikita in a full nelson. Why didn't Lex do that every match? Nikita made a comeback and hit a sickle so violent that it wiped out the ref on the follow-through. OK, that's the best ref bump ever. Nikita made a cover, but no ref. So he tried to revive the ref. Meanwhile, Dillon threw a cage in to Luger, who wacked Nikita with it and then threw it back out. Nikita sold this like he was deceased, dead, gone, and Lex lifted his dead weight into the torture rack. The ref recovered and declared Nikita out of it and awarded the championship to Luger. Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson hit the ring to celebrate and carry Luger around the ring. FRIENDSHIP! Luger and Dillon then came out for a promo. Lex couldn't stop smiling with the belt over his shoulder. Dillon said yes, he had used a chair, but Lex would have won anyway. And Nikita had insulted him by putting up a cage to interfere, like Dillon would ever interfere anyway, and finally Nikita had been the won to insist on a no-DQ match. Lex said he had been destined to be a champion since his very first match. He congratulated Nikita on having once been a fine champion, but now he had fallen all the way to the bottom. He needed to stop listening to Dusty Rhodes and get back in the gym. Then he plugged THE DATING GAME in Philadelphia, where one lucky woman would get a date with the new US champion. I WANT TO SEE THAT SO BAD. This was fun.

Nikita did a promo in the locker room hours after his title loss to Luger. He said he had known the risks of wrestling with his neck injury. He still had friends in Dusty and the Road Warriors, and when he heard the people chanting his name, the pain went away. Now it was time for Lex to meet the Russian Nightmare. So he was going to go away and train hard, and he knew where he had to go to do that. He promised he would stop at nothing to get the US title back.

Jimmy Valiant vs. Gladiator #2. Jimmy boogied and woogied and won with the elbow and danced.

Road Warriors cut a promo. They had apparently run out of black facepaint and were using purple instead. They ran down the Horsemen for a while, and promised they were stronger than either Nikita Koloff or Lex Luger. Paul Ellering added that they would be defending "the title we won in Japan" in Baltimore, and that JJ Dillon would be buried with his mouth open. Wut.

Kendall Windham vs. Thunderfoot #2. Spare me. They did some stuff and Kendall won with a lariat and bulldog. Lots of short matches tonight.

Dusty Rhodes and his mom jeans cut a promo. He said the Road Warriors were tough and the people who worked in the studio made a good TV show. He touched on WarGames and said Nikita was the toughest guy he knew, and buried Lex Luger's wardrobe. He said Lex wasn't rich or famous, but he (Dusty) was. He threatened to take Flair's world title. He moved to ringside and sat on the apron. He promised Nikita would regain the US title, but first he wanted a shot at Lex himself. Tony pointed out Dusty had never won the US title. He called himself 305 pounds of a plumber's son that would tear your ass up. Then he began to ponder WarGames II. Ron Simmons was a great athlete and a black athlete who did not have to dye his hair blonde to get on television. Nikita's coming for Luger, and Dream was too. My GOD he was all over the place here. But I will say, one great thing about these shows is that ALL the championships are important. Dusty Rhodes is a three-time world champion, but that US title is by no means below him.

JJ and Tully Blanchard cut a promo. Tully reminded us all he had beaten Dusty for the TV title, then congratulated Luger on his win. He pointed out that if Arn beat Barry Windham for the Western States title, then all four of them would have belts. And then, any two of them might get their hands on the tag belts too. He specifically named himself and Arn, challenging the Rock & Roll Express for the tag titles. He was so great that even when he stumbled over the names of the championships, he just explained that he had won so many it was hard to keep them all straight. He promised to beat Dusty and win his $100,000 back.

Todd Champion & Italian Stallion vs. Mike Force & David Isley. Stallion press slammed Force and won with a powerslam soon after.

Lex Luger vs. Rocky King. David Crockett actually called him "Rodney King." What an odd mistake. Lex squashed him and won with the rack.

They showed the finish of the Flair-Garvin cage match. Flair was bleeding, of course. Flair tried to climb out and got his ass exposed. Garvin just beat his ass for a while. Then he tried a leapfrog and his knee gave out. Flair started stomping his leg and they went to break.

When they came back, Ronnie Garvin had run down and gave his brother a pep talk. Flair chopped the piss out of Jimmy for a while, until Jimmy chopped him back. The fans of North Carolina believed that Jimmy Garvin was going to pin Ric Flair to win the world heavyweight title with a chop. He tried a brainbuster, but the leg gave out, and Flair hooked the figure-four and grabbed the ropes too. At this point a fan ran out and tried to climb into the cage. They held him off, but decided to go ahead and call off the match right there. Precious got into the cage and Flair grabbed her, but Ronnie beat his ass and sent him packing.

Back in the studio, a giddy Ric Flair celebrated his win, and that Precious would have to ride Space Mountain. He promised lingerie, strobe lights, hot tubs, waterbeds, and cameras, not necessarily in that order. He brought out the "private Precious" that he practiced on, and they brought out a mannequin in lingerie. Flair started throwing furniture around to make fun of her. Crowd was chanting "RIC IS SICK!" as he gently kissed her lips, then started removing clothes and talking about his panties again. He noted that in this lingerie, "YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING!" and Precious would have to wear it. There has never been a man on the face of the earth who could have cut this promo any better.

Ronnie Garvin vs. El Negro. They promised footage of the Flair-Precious date next week. OH BOY! OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY! Garvin won with the knockout punch in 20 seconds.

A subdued Jimmy Garvin cut a promo. He said he wasn't going to make any excuses, but it was obvious on the film he had problems with his knee, and that's why Flair won. Fans were shushing each other to listen to this. He called Flair a sick individual, and Dusty had his number. He said they put their names on the contract and they would live up to the deal, and promised Flair would get a date with "a member of the Garvin family." He knew Precious was more of a woman than Flair could handle. Now they had to deal with it, and when it was done he was going to be on Flair's doorstep the rest of this life. They zoomed in on Precious, who rested her head on her husband's chest with a smoldering glare. This woman was no victim. Jimmy promised he and Ronnie would beat Flair's ass, and the show ended.

Retro NWA (7/25/87)

They showed clips of the Midnight Express vs. the Rock & Roll Express. Announcers said the dream date had happened and they hoped to talk to Precious later.

Lex Luger came out for a promo. Fans chanted for Nikita. Luger said he had heard Dusty's challenge, and that made him excited, because to be the best you had to beat the best. Nikita had been Chapter 1, and he would make Dusty Chapter 2. He promised he would be a hit in movies too, and Dusty had no chance to beat him.

Tully Blanchard & Arn Anderson vs. Larry Stephens & Tommy Angel. This was a fine beating. Crockett was so excited I believe he was speaking in tongues. They beat the fuck out of these dudes and won with an assisted gourdbuster. A very good squash. They joined Schiavonie to cut a promo hyping up WarGames II, and say they had taken it upon themselves to make the tag titles a priority. Arn said nothing had been settled in the first WarGames, and nobody knew more about tag team wrestling than the Andersons and the Four Horsemen.

Rock & Roll Express cut a promo. I have no idea what Robert Gibson said. Ricky Morton just said they didn't fear the Horsemen, they didn't like them, and they welcomed the challenge.

Barry Windham vs. Alan Martin. They mentioned Eddie Gilbert as one of the contenders to Barry's title. Barry beat him up a while and won with the lariat.

Jim Cornette came out for a promo. He promised there had been a Cornette present at every great event in American history, and the next one would be at the Bash, when the Midnights beat the Rock & Rolls for the tag titles. He promised the Midnights had beaten up the Rock & Rolls all over the country, but had been disqualifed for kicking too much ass. Those were not his exact words, but I promise that's what he said. He ran down the Freebirds and Garvin Brothers too.

Midnight Express vs. Cougar Jay & Mike Jackson. Bobby Eaton was in quite a mood here. He went over to high-five the jobbers, then kissed Teddy Long on the head. I would pay money for a DVD of Bobby Eaton-Mike Jackson matches. They did very good back-and-forth stuff for a while, then Cougar Jay tagged in and got a lot of offense too. Cornette was on commentary saying the Mulkeys were the No. 13 contenders to the US Tag Team titles, and they should do a TV match with a one-hour time limit. Midnights won with a high-low combo.

Precious came out to talk to the announcers. She said she had made it through the night in one piece. She explained that JJ Dillon had shown up in a limo and taken her to get her hair and nails and tan done the way Ric liked, with Dillon standing over her in a lecherous manner. She said she had gotten a few minutes alone to herself, and after that, well, let's go to the video. Flair and JJ were in the hotel room, which was very low-rent. JJ said looked, I lost track of Precious, but she's on her way. Go smoke a cigar and relax. He ordered the cameraman to stand in the corner, hide behind the curting, and film whatever happened. OK, they did have a whole suite, complete with private hot tub. They showed off the fruit tray and the champagne ready to go. Ric, by the way, was wearing a bathrobe, knee-high socks, and loafers. They went back inside, where Dillon prepared the bubbly. Dillon said everything was ready, then begged to watch. Flair said sure! JJ hid behind a curtain while Flair used cologne and mouthwash. Precious let herself in and slowly walked down the dark hallway. She backed into the room, and when Flair put his hands on her shoulders, she turned around and punched him out. Yes, it was Ronnie Garvin in drag. Ronnie stalked JJ down and threw him into the hot tub. JJ's screams going into the tub were the BEST, and then his screams inside the tub were the BESTER. The Garvins stole the camera and left.

Wait, it's better. Dillon came out with an order from a judge in Montana saying they could not air the video. Tony said this looks official, but we already aired it. Dillon yelled at him and promised that nobody embarrassed the Horsemen, ESPECIALLY not Ric Flair. This was so unbelievably great.

Rock & Roll Express vs. Terry Jones & Keith Steinborn. Keith Steinborn was the Worst Wrestler of All Time of the Week. He's out there stuffing his skinny-fat body into a Natural Disasters singlet, with his mullet flying all over the place. Express KILLED HIM with a double dropkick and pinned him. Jesus Christ almighty. Looked like he got hit with a baseball bat. Most violent dropkick I ever saw.

Nikita Koloff cut a promo. He had a fancy shirt and sunglasses, and told Lex it took more than that to be a champion. He promised he and Dusty would end Lex's career. It's going to take two of you? Had to mention Dusty's name I guess.

Paul Jones and Ivan Koloff cut a promo. "IT'S LIKE A DREAM I'M BACK!" Jones cried. He said Ivan and Vladimir Petrov were ready for the Road Warriors and the International tag titles in Baltimore.

Ron Garvin vs. Art Pritts. Crockett could not contain his glee after waching Ronnie knock Flair out earlier. Garvin won with the knockout punch in seconds. Crockett then interviewed the Garvin family. Jimmy said Flair now had two Garvins after him. Ronnie said Flair had started everything, but the Garvins would finish it. He had knocked Flair out on three separate occasions, and now the Garvins were going to take what Flair had.

Flair and Dillon then came out, after the Garvins had left. They had a $12,000 bill for the cameras and tape that had been stolen from them. Flair said the whole thing was a feeble attempt to embarrass him. He had won the dream date fair and square, and Precious was supposed to be his. Now he was out for satisfaction. He guaranteed Garvin would get a title shot, and Garvin would be his.

WWE Retro Raw 272 (8/10/98)

Show opened with Mankind having a meltdown backstage, throwing furniture around and declaring that he wanted the truth. Then he was polite enough to wait for a video package and the credits to play before storming down to the ring. He said he needed to here the truth, not from Paul Bearer or Steve Austin, but from Vince McMahon. Vince reluctantly approached the ring. Vince said this must be humiliating, needing help. He detested people who need help. He rambled on for a while about how the truth hurt, then said Kane had hit him with the chair on purpose last week, and then he pointed out Taker had chosen to hit Mankind instead of hitting Kane. He declared that Taker and Kane were in collusion against everyone else on the roster. He said Kane and Undertaker were one and the same, and at that point Kane and his pyro interrupted. Paul Bearer declared that Vince was trying to get inside everyone else's mind. He said he had made a lot of money, thanks to Vince, and he and Kane could afford to leave whenever they wanted. Vince declared this man in the red suit was not Paul's son, it was a SON OF A BITCH, it was the Undertaker. He demanded Kane remove his mask before Vince tore it off himself. He reached for Kane's mask when the lights went out. They stayed out for a long time. Hopefully the rest of the show, honestly, this has been awful. Eventually the lights came up and Taker was in the ring and Kane was gone. Didn't get nearly the reaction you'd think. Taker laid out Mankind and Bearer and chased Vince backstage.

Taker walked into a room backstage. For a fraction of a second you could see Kane in the room too. I totally missed it until Ross pointed it out.

Sable came out for, well, I don't know. Jerry Lawler called the fans "a bunch of leches." Pot, kettle, black. She announced Luna Vachon being accompanied by the Oddities. That's their debut, they just came out, Luna and her large friends came dancing out to the ring. They had a guy who was SEVEN-FOOT-FOUR and just put him in a Hawaiian shirt. My GOD the wacky generic music they had to dub in here. They said this was set up by Luna attacking Jacqueline with roses last week. Wait, what? Am I watching the right show? It appears that I am.

Luna vs. Jacqueline. They did one move, Marc Mero jumped on the apron, Sable pulled him down, Mero got in Sable's face, Kurrgan walked Mero down, Jacqueline speared the ref out of the ring, Mero rolled Jacqueline into the ring, Luna unloaded on Jacqueline, the ref was just fine and back in the ring and the match continued. Got all that? Then Mero took the ref, Jacqueline went up top, Sable crotched Jacqueline, and Luna hit a neckbreaker and top rope splash for the win. Sable presented Luna with the bikini contest trophy that Jacqueline had won over Sable via DQ, and the two 7-foot men carried her around the ring.

The New Age Outlaws arrived at the building, all pissed off.

Droz vs. Savio Vega in a Brawl for All match. Droz had gone to a draw with Hawk in the first round, but we were told Hawk could not continue due to a broken nose, so Droz was fighting here. They had a very sloppy first round, and Savio went down at one point but it was ruled a slip and not a knockdown. They opened with a hockey fight in Round 2, and then Droz scored a double-leg for a takedown. Droz threw an uppercut and missed by more than anyone has missed a punch ever. More sloppy standup in Round 3 and then Droz scored another takedown to ice the fight. Savio had 20 seconds to get a knockout to win and he went for it, but that just let Droz score a few more shots to win. So Droz won and they hugged.

Hunter and Chyna arrived in a dope convertible BMW.

Michael Cole tried to interview Chyna. She told him to suck it and shoved him into the car.

LOD 2000 came out. Hawk got scared by his pyro and fell down and they went to commercial.

After the break, Hawk wanted to fight but they were ordering him to the back.

They showed Southern Justice and Double J turning on Tennessee Lee and laying him out on Sunday Night Heat.

Southern Justice came out and Hawk went after them. He was useless, and it turned ino Southern Justice double-teaming Animal as Hawk was taken to the back. Droz, who had just been in a REAL FIGHT, ran out to even the odds. Jeff Jarrett ran out with a guitar that read "DON'T PISS ME OFF," and he broke it over the head of Droz, who had just been in a REAL FIGHT. You fucking morons. I can't believe what I'm seeing. Jarrett shaved off some of Droz's hair. Why is any of this happening? What the hell is going on?.

X-Pac arrived by himself. Poor X-Pac.

New Age Outlaws came out for a promo, then X-Pac came out. They showed X-Pac returning to the WWF the night after WrestleMania five months ago. Then Triple H and Chyna came out. Chyna's implants were on ridiculous display this week. Hunter said it had been a long two weeks with him and X-Pac being mad at each other. X-Pac took the mic and said he had had it with Hunter and his "bitch," and said they were a couple of jack-offs. Hunter had him repeat this, then said X-Pac was a jackoff. Yes, the "I know you are but what am I" defense. Hunter said the Outlaws were jackoffs too. Billy had him repeat this, then Roadie did too. Everyone said "jackoff" 95 times. They all agreed they were all jackoffs, and the fans cheered. Hunter said they were all jackoffs, and nobody would know that better than them. So it was time to give the people what they wanted, the DX split. And they were all about to drop their pants when Chyna interrupted. Billy was stunned by this. people were losing their minds for this tomfoolery. She said everyone was tired of seeing their asses. Mr. Ass was upset by this. She said if anyone was going to show off a DX split, it would be her, and pulled her pants down to show her thong. Well, Lord knows she did a lot of squats. They all celebrated together, Hunter pulled his pants down and tried and failed to get some girls to flash him, and that was it. This was high on the list of most pointless segments of all time.

Michael Cole tried to interview Steve Austin. Austin dragged him back and turned the shower on him.

Godfather came out with some hos. Goodness, the legs on the woman to his right. Bart Gunn ambushed the announce desk and demanded some respect from JR. They bickered at each other for a while. Then Vader came out. Vader was seriously dancing to his own music. Godfather then asked Vader if he had ever been with a ho, and presented Vader with a lineup. Vader looked at them like a 14-year-old who had never touched a boob before. Godfather said they could fight, or Vader could take the hos. Fans were all cheering, but Vader said no. Godfather repeated his offer: all three of them for the whole night. Vader held up his hand. He was bleeding from the knuckle. How did that happen? Godfather said they could do Vader's laundry if he wanted, and Vader said OK, and took the women and left. Bart Gunn was still out there. "Bart Gunn is still here," Ross noted. Vader got into Bart's face. Bart knocked him out with the slowest, most delayed left hand of all time. Then Bart went after Godfather, his Brawl for All opponent next week. So Godfather left with the women. What in sam hell was this segment? And could they have made Vader look like a bigger geek? This sucked.

A giant limo pulled up. John Wayne Bobbitt and Val Venis were inside. They looked sad.

Dustin Rhodes did a backstage promo saying the following segment would deal with fornication and violence and was unfit for family viewing, but we all had choices about what to watch, and suggested we all turn to a reptile show on the Discovery Channel. This segment was sponsored by "Evangelists Against Television, Movies, & Entertainment." Yes.

John Bobbit pushed Val Venis out in a wheelchair. Val had an icepack on his crotch. Mrs. Yamaguchi-san was out there with him. They showed the angle from last week of Val getting his dick cut off. In a subdued manner, Val said hello to the ladies, and said he was half the man he used to be. He made a bunch of dick jokes, then tore off his pants and shirt and said he was fine. His tearaway pants would not tear. Val finally explained that the butcher's block had been cold, there had been shrinkage, and John Bobbitt had turned the lights off, saving Val's sausage. Lawler interviewed Bobbitt, who had the worst delivery of a bunch of terrible cutting jokes. Val said he had had fun with Mrs. Yamaguchi-san, but no woman was worth the trouble she had brought him, and told her to hit the bricks. She was sad and left. Val threw her a battery. Yeah.

Edge was in the crowd. He had shitty seats.

Bradshaw vs. Marc Mero in a Brawl for All match. Bradshaw got a takedown in Round 1 and, well, that's it. And that's all Bradshaw would do, get a takedown if he could, and if not get a tieup and a restart. He got another takedown in Round 2 and looked exhausted at the end of the round. Bradshaw looked like the didn't know the rules and kept trying to wrestle on the ground. Mero was hot. Nobody knew what was and was not a takedown. Mero thought he won, but it was a draw and they were doing another round. Mixed reaction for that news. Bradshaw looked all sorts of blown up. But he got a takedown with 30 seconds to go, then tried to lay on top to kill clock. Mero tried a takedown but didn't get it, and that was that. They announced Bradshaw was the winner. Well, it's not a boxing match. If it had been Mero would have killed him. But Bradshaw is big, and that's that.

Michael Cole tried to interview Undertaker. Taker said he would do his talking in the ring.

Undertaker & Steve Austin vs. Rock & Owen Hart vs. Kane & Mankind vs. New Age Outlaws. They announced that there was now "the Outlaw rule," which meant you could no longer pin your own partner to win. Two teams came out, then Ken Shamrock ran out and attacked Owen, and DX ran out to attack Rock 5-on-1. Nation came out to brawl. Steve Blackman came out to talk Shamrock down. They went to commercial.

D-Lo Brown was out there to take Owen's place. Then Kane came out on his own, with Mankind trailing far behind. Austin tried a stunner right away and Mankind fled the ring and ran up the ramp, though he came right back. A fan hit the ring with a sign, and I think Road Dogg was about to kill him, but he saw that the ref and some other guys had things in hand and he returned to his corner. Everyone took turns beating up D-Lo for a while. Fans were telling Rocky he sucked and he wasn't even in the ring. Guys were just doing stuff for no rhyme or reason. Austin and Taker were on the corner the whole time, but finally they got into the match and started working as a team. Everyone loved them. Then Austin and Taker got tagged in to fight, even though they couldn't pin each other. But they could "compete" if they choose. They went after the Outlaws instead. Soon the Nation were tagging in and out working Road Dogg over. Then I guess Rock got bored and tagged Mankind in. Ross pointed out this made no sense, because now Mankind could pin the weakened Road Dogg and win. We were like 15 minutes into this and Kane had not tagged in yet. Road Dogg finally tagged out to Taker, and he and Austin hit the ring and ran wild. Finally Kane tagged in and chokeslammed Taker and pinned him. As soon as the ref counted three Taker immediately sat right up, then got to his feet. Lawler said Taker had screwed Austin. By getting himself pinned? Then why did he bother to win them in the first place? So everyone left and the show ended. That was weird.

EXTRA ATTITUDE. These are always lame. Austin got in Taker's face and Taker left and Austin's music played. WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THE POINT OF THIS? I'm actually angry about this and how stupid and pointless it was.

WCW Monday Nitro 152 (8/10/98)

Nitro Girls dance, but there was no Kimberly. They explained that Dallas Page was not there tonight, and he refused to let his wife go to the building if he wasn't there to protect her from the nWo. I don't know who told Larry Zbyszko this leather jacket with the fringe looked cool, but they lied to him. Even Tony Schiavonie was making fun of it. Tony then said they were not allowed to show or discuss what happened in the Jay Leno match from Road Wild, but a WCW executive would present that footage later. Or something.

Barbarian vs. Jim Duggan. Every week Jim Duggan is on this show, and every week I am mystified. Are you trying to lose this war? Oh my GOD this was bad. They were stumbling all over. Duggan whipped Barbarian into the ropes, then forgot what he was doing and got distracted by Jimmy Hart, so of course Barbarian came back off the ropes and clobbered him. All of this said, the good people of South Dakota were all on their feet for this match from start to finish. So, whatever. Duggan did the ten-punch in the corner and Schiavonie pointed out he was punching Barbarian in the trapezius. Duggan won with a schoolboy to a massive pop. Hugh Morrus ran out to attack Duggan, but then Meng ran out to attack them. Security hit the ring, but Meng put the death grip on Doug Dillinger, then on Duggan. While holding Duggan, he dropped another geek with a superkick. That was awesome.

They showed Lex Luger getting laid out on Nitro, then cutting a promo on Thunder saying that Scott Hall had been one of the goons responsible for the attack. Konnan and Sting joined him. Sting was back in black-and-red because nobody has any idea what's going on from one show to the next.

Then Mean Gene brought Lex out for a promo here on Nitro. He said Bret Hart had also been one of the guys attacking him, and he wasn't leaving the building until he got his hands on Bret tonight. Bret came out and said Lex hadn't earned a title shot, and he was just jealous because Sting liked him more. Lex blew him off and said give me a title shot later tonight, or I'll just knock your teeth out right now. Bret said OK and left.

They recapped Stevie Ray beating Chavo Guerrero Jr at Road Wild in what looked like a terrible match, then Eddie Guerrero coming out to save Chavo from a post-match beating.

Disco Inferno came out to his music, then Alex Wright came out to his music, being shadowed by Tokyo Magnum. Tokyo was subdued, though, and seemed unhappy to be there. Announcers had no idea what was going on. Alex cut a promo calling Tokyo a stupid little Japanese who should commit hari kari. Lovely. They said he needed to perform better if he wanted to worship them, and he was on his own tonight against Eddie Guerrero.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Tokyo Magnum. They had a fun 90-second match and Eddie won with a brainbuster and frog splash.

Shots of Kanyon, Raven, and Saturn doing a three-way at Road Wild. There was interference from Flock dudes and plenty of weapons and then Saturn pinned Raven with a death valley driver.

Saturn came out and challenged Kanyon because Kanyon had twice abandoned Saturn in tag matches. No explanation for when or where this happened. But Kanyon obliged.

Saturn vs. Kanyon. It occurred to me here that the Perry Saturn of 1998 would have been an absolutely perfect fit in New Japan in 2017. Right size. Right style. Unique look that would have stood out. Kanyon did a bunch of MOOVZ, including a face-first last ride powerbomb. It led to nothing. They tried a superplex spot but couldn't get their feet right and finally Saturn just threw them both backwards into the ring. Lodi ran out and took the ref, Raven ran in and DDT'd Saturn, and Kanyon got an arm on Saturn for the win. Kanyon had no idea what was going on. Then it was TO THE BACK!.

Meng was still on the rampage, wiping out security dudes.

Nitro party clips. It was from a high school. The angry loner with no friends was dressed up like Sting and doing himself no favors.

Sick Boy vs. Steve McMichael. Why, god? Sick Boy, as always, went through great labors to set his opponent up for springboards, and then the springboard moves looked awful. Like, if you were going to build your whole offense off one move, wouldn't you want to do that move well? Mongo made a totally out-of-control comeback. He was never that good, and he's now deteriorating rapidly. He tried a football tackle but his head hit Sick Boy's knee or the turnbuckle or something. And he sold his head a bit and then just hit a tombstone for the win anyway. This sucked.

Hogan, Bischoff, and Disciple came out for a promo. Hogan said he was done with clowns like Jay Leno and Dallas Page, and he wanted the world title back. He made fun of Goldberg for being bald. There was an attractive young lady in a crop top in the upper left hand corner of the screen. I think she was teasing flashing everyone. This was distracting. They announced that since Meng had killed WCW's entire security team, nWo Hollywood would provide security for the Goldberg-Meng match.

Announcers flapped their gums for a while, then Schiavonie announced that the Wolfpac would also be out for the Goldberg-Meng match.

Stevie Ray vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr. OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Chavo came out and couldn't fine Pepe, his hobby horse, but Chris Jericho came out and had Pepe. He lured Chavo to the back, where we heard assorted screams and violence, and then Jericho came out with Pepe's head. He cut a promo saying Chavo was busy. Like Stevie, he claimed to be from the streets—the mean streets of Calgary. Stevie accepted the challenge.

Stevie Ray vs. Chris Jericho. Well that's an upgrade. This crowd absolutely loved Stevie as the no-selling man of stone, and you could see he was having fun out there. He tried to suplex Jericho onto the ropes, but almost dropped him on his head instead. I shrieked and screamed. Match kept going and Jericho low-blowed the ref. Giant ran out and attacked Stevie, laying him out with a chokeslam. Jericho revived the ref and put Stevie in the Boston crab, and the ref called for the bell. So Jericho wins the TV title just a couple of days after losing the cruiserweight title.

Eric Bischoff and Elizabeth cut a promo. He promised footage of the Road Wild main event. They showed black-and-white still-shots of the action. Of course, all the shots showed Hogan and Bischoff destroying people and celebrating. Bischoff warned us not to watch the Tonight Show, because Jay Leno was a liar, and he would be presented doctored footage. He thanked the people and said Liz loved them too, then asked if she had heard from Randy lately and cackled. Announcers were pissed off that this was all we would get to see.

Psychosis vs. Lizmark Jr. vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. Literally the first thing they did was have Lizmark miss a dropkick and sell it in the corner for several minutes. At least when guys leave the ring and sell you can pretend they're looking on and ready to jump in. This was just ridiculous. Soon guys were doing topes and dives. They did a wacky three-man spot that peaked with Psychosis screaming "GO REY GO!" so Rey would know when to hit him. They kept doing stuff and struggling to get each other into the right position for things. Cool finish as Psychosis monkey flipped Rey onto Lizmark, and Rey hit Lizmark with a hurricanrana for the win. These guys were lost for most of this but by the end they found a way to make it work.

Bret Hart vs. Lex Luger. Well this was tremendous fun. It was the most basic thing ever, but Bret did such an awesome job of making it clear Lex was bigger and stronger than him, but he was more devious. He was also trolling the fans with Hulk Hogan taunts. Fans were taunting him back by chanting "NUGGET!" Bret worked him over for a long time, but finally Lex hit a couple of clotheslines and the loaded elbow for a nearfall. Everyone was on their feet again. Ref got bumped. Bret pulled out a gimmick, but Lex ducked the weapon shot and hooked the torture rack, and the ref recovered and said Bret submitted and gave Lex the belt. Well that's not the finish I was expecting. Wolfpac came out to celebrate with Lex, because Lex is not a loser with no friends.

Pics of Juvy beating Jericho for the cruiserweight title at Road Wild with a little help from special ref Dean Malenko.

Juventud Guerrera vs. Billy Kidman. Kidman was apparently not in the Flock anymore. Very good, fast-paced, three-minute match. Bobby was very impressed. Juvy won with a 450.

Finally, still-shots of the Road Wild main event. Even in pictures Leno looked awful. They gave him a hot tag. Yes. Kevin Eubanks looked great though. And his arms were bigger than Page's.

Raven and the Flock came out for a promo. I guess Kidman is still in the Flock. I believe they are now editing in Raven's WWE theme in place of the Nirvana knockoff he used in WCW. He said the Flock had let him down at Road Wild and started attacking all of them. Horace tried to defend himself but Raven laid him out and the bell rang.

Raven vs. Horace. HORACE DID A TOPE. Holy crap. Many stop signs were used. Horace missed a splash and hit the stop sign. Raven demanded a chair and Lodi reluctantly agreed. Kanyon came down the aisle but the Flock blocked his path. Saturn then came through the crowd and hit Raven with a DVD on the stop sign and put Horace on top, and so Horace won.

Konnan vs. Curt Hennig. Nobody much cared. Hennig went to used Konnan's chain as a weapon, but Konnan got it and tried to strangle Hennig with it instead, and the ref immediately called for the DQ. Well that was lame.

Scott Hall came out and did his survey and the Wolfpac won overwhelmingly.

Scott Hall & Giant vs. Sting & Kevin Nash. Sting looked weird and I couldn't figure out why and then I realized he wasn't wearing gloves. Might be the last match he ever wrestled without them. Nash ran wild a bit but they cut him off with a low blow. Sting hadn't even tagged yet. Then he hot tagged in and ran wild. He locked in the scorpion, but Giant grabbed the ref and ordered him to call for the DQ. Ref did, but Giant chokeslammed him anyway. This was the simplest, most formulaic tag team match ever, but it was totally fine until that stupid finish.

Meng vs. Goldberg. As promised, the nWos were both out at ringside. Why is Goldberg announced as "WCW/nWo champion?" Is the nWo an official branch of the company now? Two totally out of control bulls crashing into each other. Meng rolled out by Hollywood and they left him alone. Then Goldberg got thrown out by them and they attacked. Wolfpac ran over to brawl with them. Meng appeared to have Goldberg beat with the death grip, but he let go before the ref could count three. Goldberg popped up and hit a spear and jackhammer for the win. That was weird. Why protect Meng? The nWos brawled again. Hogan waffled Goldberg with a chair in the back, but Nash took the chair away. Goldberg saw Nash with the chair and speared him. This whole thing felt rushed and badly timed, but this was still the best Monday night show in a long time.

WWE NXT (8/9/17)

Announcers were running down the show when Sanity hit the ring and started calling out the Authors of Pain. Authors came out to confront them, but Eric Young attacked one from behind while his buddies attacked the other in the ring. They zip-tied Akam to the guardrail and began to triple-team Razar in the ring. Akam finally broke the guardrail off and tried to drag it into the ring. That looked awesome. They cut him off coming into the ring and killed him too. Segment ended with the Authors laid out and Sanity celebrating with the tag team belts. Crowd politely applauded but they were totally silent for most of this. A much better angle than last time though.

Iconic Ones did a selfie promo earlier today. I guess they couldn't copyright Iconic Duo. They saw Ruby Riot and made fun of her tattoos. That was that.

Street Profits vs. Metro Brothers. Forget the Street Profits, I want to know more about the Metro Brothers, CHRIS AND JC. Street Profits are Angelo Dawkins and Montez Ford. They've got gold chains and fancy sneakers and red Solo cups. Ford, showed more charisma in 60 seconds than Dawkins has in any of the dozen times I've seen him. Then the match started and Ford is clearly the better wrestler too. They got the heat on him and Deuce and Domino Jr here hit like two punches to set up a hot tag. They pinned a Metro with a spinebuster and top rope splash. Dawkins is going to have a very hard time not being overshadowed here. But this was a win.

They showed Aleister Black and Hideo Itami getting into a brawl in the parking lot after the show last week. It was quickly broken up. Then they announced Itami vs. Black at TakeOver.

William Regal brought Bobby Roode and Drew McIntyre to the ring. Drew came out in a plain white t-shirt. It was tight and showed off his physique but I would have found something fancier. Roode came out with personal security. He said they were there to protect everyone from that lunatic Roderick Strong, and stop him from ruining the TakeOver main event. He talked about Drew being entitled in his first run, then said he himself was entitled, and he didn't need a second chance. He said Drew used to be the Chosen One, but he was simply the One. Drew put Roode over and called him a prototype champion. The only problem was that Bobby was a complete ass. The higher Roode put himself on a pedestal, the more it would hurt when Drew knocked him back down to earth. He promised to win the championship in Brooklyn. They wre going face to face when Roderick came out on stage. Roode hid behind his security, and Regal ordered Strong to stay away. Roddy said he respected Regal's authority, and he'd pay any fine. He wasn't done with Roode, and it wasn't about the title, it was about Roode disrespecting him and his family. He challenged Roode to a fight. Regal tried to put a stop to things, but Roode interrupted and said he'd be happy to fight Strong, and he'd put his title on the line too, but Strong would have to go through Drew first. If he could beat Drew, then he could get a title shot against Roode AFTER TakeOver. Regal made it clear that he was the one who made the matches. Drew said he knew what Roode was trying to do, and he'd be happy to fight Roddy next week and then beat Roode at TakeOver. Roode then played cheerleader and got the crowd to chant "MAKE THE MATCH!" So Regal agreed, with Roddy vs. Drew next week with Roddy needing a win to get a title shot. But either way, it would be Drew vs. Roode at TakeOver. Roode said it would be a great week in his NXT and cued his music. Announcers pushed this as Roode being the puppet master and manipulating everyone to do his bidding. Drew, as usual, was the star of stars here. But this was all good.

Johnny Gargano did a backstage promo about competing in singles now, and the support he got from the crowd in Brooklyn last year, and with that crowd, he would never be alone. He said he wanted a match at TakeOver this year.

Oney Lorcan vs. Danny Burch. They are still two pale bald men in all black gear. At least Burch put a Union Jack on one kneepad so I can tell them apart. They talked about Burch training in boxing at six years old, and Mauro pointed out he was a more experienced boxer than Conor McGregor. There were more people speaking at the announce desk than in the crowd. It was creepy quiet. They did get into it after the break when Lorcan started laying in stiff chops. Burch teased a Tower of London, which would have popped Nigel for sure, then they teased and hit suplexes. Burch hit the Tower of London for a nearfall. It did pop Nigel. They went back and forth a while and Lorcan went for the half-crab he won with last time, but Burch fought him off. So Lorcan grabbed the other leg and hit a Boston crab, but Burch turned it into a rollup for the win. Burch looked around a minute, then it sunk in that he had won, and he was SO HAPPY. This is the best feud ever that has 50-50 booking and absolutely nothing at stake. Burch offered a handshake, but Lorcan slapped his hand away. Cooler heads prevailed, and they did shake hands, and Burch held the ropes open for Lorcan to leave. This is going to be a fun, fun team.

No Way Jose vs. Andrade Almas. Almas did his lazy pose right away, but Ms. Vega, whatever her first name is, dragged him out of the ring and scolded him. Then he did his lazy pose in the ropes and Jose booted him right in the face and out of the ring. Vega scolded him again. There was a fan in the front row with a MASSIVE afro. Sign her just for that. He hit the double knees in the corner and made an arrogant cover. Zalena Vega scolded him one more time, and Almas popped up and hit a hammerlock DDT for the win. Christ, Jose just got buried here, utterly destroyed by a guy who was half-assing it and needed copious instruction from his sister or whatever she is. Zalena then went to the announce desk. She called Andrade her "associate" and said he deserved the spotlight. She said the biggest spotlight in NXT was at TakeOver: Brooklyn, and she said this just like somebody from Brooklyn. On behalf of Andrade, she accepted Johnny Gargano's challenge. Andrade approved. Well at least something finally, FINALLY happened with this guy.

Lucha Underground Season 3: Bloodlines

Mala Suerte & Saltador & Paul London vs. Taya & Ricky Mandel & PJ Black. Every member of the winning team would get a Gift of the Gods medallion. They did all kinds of wacky comedy about Taya being hot and the Rabbit dudes wanter her to beat them up. Jack Evans was also out there doing comedy with a white board. Bodies were falling everywhere and I had no idea what was going on. London pinned Mandel with a shooting star press. If PJ Black was ever in this match I missed it. There was like three different comedy gimmicks and six people doing moves very quickly and I'm sure I missed most of it.

That one media advisor guy gave the Worldwide Underground a tongue-lashing. Johnny Mundo said he was getting offers including musical theater and other underground fight promotions. He told them to step up their game or he'd kick them to the curb.

Cueto Cup quarterfinal: Jeremiah Crane vs. Mil Muertes. Mil jumped Crane in amongs the fans. They disappeared in a storage area as the show went to a break.

After the break, Crane came flying through a wall and back into the Temple. They teased a few falls out of the balcony, then brawled in the bleachers. They moved down to the ring and Mil hit an apron powerbomb. He proceeded to murder Crane to death in the ring. Crane tried a tope through the ropes. He hit Mil, but Mil didn't budge and Crane fell to the floor. I laughed my ass off. Mil then started throwing Crane ino the chairs. Crane spat a nasty loogie into his hand and hit a few chops. He did a full lap around the ring to hit a running boot or something, but Mil speared him to death instead. Mil then Beelled Crane over the announce desk and began to throw chairs into the ring. This is a fabulous beating. Mil set up two chairs back to back and dropped Crane's back across them. Um, don't do that. Unless Crane's wearing a flak jacket under that gear of his, which is possible. Mil hit a MIGHTY chairshot to Crane's back. But he hit a chair in the corner, and Crane made a comeback with chairshots of his own. He laid a chair across Mil's throat, then wacked that chair with another chair. He grabbed a table and everyone cheered. Then Mil went to spear him off the apron, but they didn't break the table, they just slid off it. No good. So Mil powerbombed the holy hell out of Crane through the table. Mil went to finish him off with a spear, but Crane caught him with a guillotine. They teased a tapout, but Mil powered up and threw him off, then broke him in half with a chokeslam for a nearfall. Dude. They set up another table in the corner, and Crane hit a cannonball through it for another nearfall. Mil was now pissed and no-selling all of Crane's offense, and he hit a reverse chokeslam, planting Crane right onto his face, for the win. What an utter, complete, unqualified beating this was. Katrina went to give Crane the lick of death, but made out with him instead. Mil was pissed off and dropped Crane on his head again. No kiss is worth that.

An FBI agent went into Dario Cueto's office. He said they had similar interests: "The Order" had named him as Delgado's replacement. Delgado was Lorenzo Lamas. It was apparently news to Dario that Lorenzo was dead. "No harm, no foul," the FBI agent said. He said he was a huge Pentagon Dark fan, but his flesh would fry when the war comes. He said they would do what it takes to make sure the gods ruled again. "Later gator!" Dario grabbed his red bull statue and closed his eyes in thought.

Cueto Cup quarterfinal: Texano vs. Pentagon Dark. They were doing this match when Famous B and Brenda came dancing out. Texano was briefly distracted but the match continued. They went back and forth the whole way. Texano became perhaps the biggest guy I've seen to do a hesitation dropkick. Brenda took the ref. B tried to pass a horseshoe to Texano and threw it ten feet past him to Pentagon. Pentagon hit a horseshoe shot for the win. This was like some goofy Memphis shit that somehow made its way into Lucha Underground. Pentagon went to break Texano's arm, but Famous B broke it up. So Pentagon broke Famous B's arm instead. He went to break Brenda's arm too. "People ask me what's the difference between Lucha Underground and everywhere else?" Striker said. "Here's your answer!" And Pentagon broke Brenda's arm and left her crying on the mat. Yeah. THAT WAS THE END OF THE SHOW. Jesus Christ this fucking show. The best thing that could happen to planet Earth would be for a fire to break out in this building with everyone inside.

Katrina went to meet with the cop lady. Something about gods coming and not fearing Katrina and Cage's wacky gauntlet and cop lady giving Katrina life and they each had half of a medallion and Katrina was stuck between life and death and Mil Muertes was the only one who could get the gauntlet from Cage and cop lady giving Katrina her life back and not being immortal and not fearing death and fearing the gods. Katrina said they had a deal and called her mother and vanished. This show was going along and just nose-dived HARD at the end there.